zeta and l-functions are ubiquitous in modern number theory. while some work in the past has brought homotopical methods into the theory of zeta functions, there is in fact a lesser-known zeta function that is native to homotopy theory. namely, every suitably finite decomposition space (aka 2-segal space) admits an abstract zeta function as an element of its incidence algebra. in this talk, i will show how many 'classical' zeta functions in number theory and algebraic geometry can be realized in this homotopical framework. i will also discuss work in progress towards a categorification of motivic zeta and l-functions.